This has been an emotionally rough week. Well, month. I will explain this blog title as best as I can, but I promise, as I type, the tears keep flowing!
1. PITY: Besides the fact that for the first time in my married life, I actually need a job.. and can't get one. My poor husband can't start the application process with the County until I have a JOB. SO, here I sit, one month later and still nothing. Secondly, for some reason, recently, I have been having an especially hard time with the social aspect of my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE living here in this beautiful place, and I ADORE all of the great friends I have made here in the last 8 years, I truly treasure them. However, I still just don't have much of a social life, and I have never attained the strong bonds of friendship here that I had my whole life living home in Las Vegas. I have spent the last 8 years missing the first 19! I have never known anything my whole life other than Las Vegas..Chevy Chase... Central Stake.. 23rd ward...You guys on here! (Most of you, anyway!)....Girls Camp...LVHS!...RHS ( sorry my LVHS peeps, I did go to Rancho in 9th grade, I gotta represent!)..I could go on forever, but I wont! Anyways, that is the 2nd part of the pity I have been experiencing. Thirdly, and most importantly.. today was a VERY bad day with little JJ.. All day I was honery, snappy, frustrated and angry. JJ was in the bad mood of all bad moods, and I found myself today in just a huge pile of pity!
2. GUILT: I wanted to get proof of how off the charts JJ was today, so I attempted to bust out the camcorder and start rolling footage of how bratty and mean and angry he was all day.. he woke up that way today! As I get out the camcorder and try to fast forward to make sure I don't record over anything, I come across the taping of JJ's first birthday party. In the high chair, cake and all! I got lost for a moment in how much I love this kid...then back to the "pity pit" as I like to call it...
3. SHAME: Because of my bad day, I decided to escape into blogging for a while. Im sure most of you know about the blog "A Daily Scoop", (www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com) about baby Camille and her tragic recent death at the same age as JJ. I have been following this mother's inspirational words! I decided to visit her blog first, hoping I can read her post for the day and be uplifted! Well, I sure found what I was asking for.... In comes the.....
4. TEARS..and more TEARS!: I get to the blog, and what is the very most recent post?? It is a video that Stephanie ( The mother of baby Camille) had posted. The video is 2 min and 8 seconds of a beatiful lullaby that she and her husband sang to their precious baby as she died in the hospital. The song is sung by mom and dad, as a video of baby Camille's first birthday party is rolling. High chair, cake and all. Sound familiar? ( See #2 above!). Here are the tears...
I just spent my whole day feeling sorry for myself, being angry at my precious baby for, well, being a baby! I was frustrated, snappy, and annoyed. All because he was in a bad mood, or he kept bringing me book after book after book, or because the repetetive sound of "mama" two cagillion trillion times made me want to pull my hair out. I could have spent today being grateful that I have my 19 month old here to annoy me, or want me to read to him, and even better yet to repeat my name over and over just out of infinate love for me! I watched as much of the video as I could until I quietly crept into the shower, only to spend the next 20 minutes in a steamy shower sobbing, tears and boogers flowing down my face with the water. ( sorry, the boogers might have been too much info!) I decided to blog this monumental moment. They say that the most improtant lessons learned in life, come by in quiet and humble ways.
I think today, I learned the most important lesson of all. The lesson of Gratefulness.Humility.Love.
I don't think for one second that these events were accidental. I know for surety that the Lord had a huge part in today. The good Man upstairs taught me a lesson today that I will never forget. Just as I thought the spirit had no chance of touching me on such a bad day, He sneeks in. Just as I thought He didn't listen to my quiet pleadings for greatfulness, humility and love, he enters in and patiently and lovingly, reminds me of exactly what He has blessed me with.
I love you, my little JJ !
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Pity.Guilt.Shame....and then some (well, a lot) of tears. Let me explain...
Posted by Lenzi at 9:34 PM
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16 comments:
Awww....that was a sweet post...well, not the booger part but still. Being a mom is tough...but it sure seems like you're doing your best...and that's what counts!
sometimes we just have to have days like that. thanks for posting all of you thoughts and feelings cause I had a frustrating day with Jackson yesterday cause he didn't sleep the night before and I was grumpy yesterday, i found myself being snappy too. after reading your post it made me stop and realize. i need to take a deep breath and relax. i am grateful for him and that is all that matters. thanks Lenzi love you, and always remember you have me call me if you need to talk, we will always be life long friends, i love your guts. love the new blog layout too cute and love your hair dark, hot mama!!
Thank you for posting this. I think that alot of us mothers have those days and get so frustrated with our kids that we dont realize how much they just want us to play with them or just spend time with them. As I am writing this and Trey has the towels that I just folded all over the place, and I am glad that I was here. So that I wouldn't get mad at him. You know that if you ever need to talk to someone I am here for ya. It is always nice to vent to other moms that are going through the same thing. You are a great mother and kept up the great work.
Ok seriously Lenzi.... I believe that Stephanie is a real live angel sent to earth to put us mothers all back in check! I am so glad you posted all of that... even the boogers part!! ha! We all have those days..weeks.. and months! Hang in there... everything will work out the way it is suppose to! :)
Hey there Lenzi!! I miss the good ol days also, when we used to hang out and just laugh and be silly! I know where you are coming from! But WOW! What an amazing family you have now! You guys look so happy and thats what matters! Emjoy everyday! Thanks for that blog!
cute post and so true.
i love your new background and the family picture in your header. i really like your hair dark. you look sassy! :)
Wow... thank you for posting that. This week has been crazy for me and sometimes we just need a good cry. What an inspiration Stephanie is. I cried for a good hour before I just couldn't cry anymore. I think I take a lot for granted and that is something I will definitely work on now. Thank you. I need to come and see your house sometime. It looks so cute in the pictures! :)
Dang girl! Now I know why we have talked more in the last two days then we have in a while! Next time just vent to me when you call! Les
i know exactly how you feel lenz. some days I feel like my patience is about gone. between chloe being sick and lately bentley has been having lots of accidents I feel like I am going to hurt someone by the time jesus gets home from work! You just have to take a step back and realize whats important in life. What would we do without our little ones? I give you kudos for posting your true feelings tho. So many people try to portray their lives as "perfect" and dont post any of the negative things because of that people will think. love ya dude!
Ok... I have to comment again.... I love the new look on your blog. Seriously, your family is SO Stankin Cute! I love that family pic!!
Wow! What a day! Isn't it amazing how just when we think no one is listening it touches our heart to the very core! Thanks for sharing! I love hearing you haven't forgot your friends in LV. Love ya!
Awe Lenzi... First of ALL... Yes!! You have to Represent for RHS... I know I still have too... LOL that place has to many memories... Sister though you sound like you are a good mom and a good women... we have to take the bad times with the good... I love you girl... Good luck...
Lenzi I am right there with you sister! I'm glad you found an outlet for your frustration. You should take Leslie's advice and call and vent to someone. It helps. I will call a friend and ask if they want to join my pity party for a minute, and then releasing that energy draining ugliness inside really helps! Hope you are feeling better :)
OH GIRL...WE ALL HAVE DAYS LIKE THAT! AND BY THE WAY...I LOVE YOUR BROWN HAIR!! YOU SEXY MAMA!
Hey Lenzi, I love your post, and I get it with the whole friend thing, just call me and we can just hang, after all we just live behind each other.....I fell the same way exactly! Tell Jeff congrats that is so great!Really call me anytime!
hang in there girl you are a Great mom and woman-we all have thoes days/months/moments you are doing good so stop with the guilt-easier said than done right:)
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